Today is supposed to be the last final exam, but my math exam is postponed to 19th. It is good that it got postponed though.
So how did my exams go? Good except for math-a.
This is so hectic. I have my applications due for foreign universities. I am yet to pay fee for two entrance exams. I have joint entrance exam on April 2nd. From the mid May to the last week of May I have back to back entrance exams.
Amidst all this haze I find myself sometimes looking back and wishing to go back to the past. I dunno why but recently I have been having this overwhelming feeling of going back into the past and wanting to relive all those moments.
I have noticed that I was waiting for the moment to be perfect than making the moment perfect. Due this reason I have been feeling very unhappy. ‘Life’ seemed so not worth living. But I decided that I am not going to wait around until the moment is perfect rather make it perfect. ‘Why wait till I get into an Astronomy course to learn more about the universe?’ I decided that I am going to acquire more knowledge on the subject that I love the most so I enrolled into courses in Futurelearn and EdX. During the hunt for space related courses I found many more interesting courses like robotics, marine archeology, the lottery of birth(this a course where they discuss how where, when and to whom you are born influence your life chances), literature and mental health and many more.
I have been getting panic attacks whenever I think about my future. I was waiting for the attacks to go away by themselves rather than taking an action about it. So I have been trying to calm myself down and found that by doing meditation I am able to reduce the panic attacks. I decided to go to meditation classes. As soon as I finish my exams on 19th March I am going to join meditation classes.
I also decided to learn computer programming. So I enrolled in online programming courses. I wanted to deepen my knowledge in Physics and by research I found that Feynman’s Lectures trilogy is good to start with.
I found that I was not spending much time with my family so whenever I am free I go on a walk with my mom, grandfather and grandmother. Honestly it is so much fun. And my grandfather is even more of a fun person. We have long chats about the universe, life and some random mundane things.
I selected few anime to watch during my free time and on top of the list is Death Note. I made a list of to read books also which has about 163+ books in it.
After 4 months of wallowing in self pity and almost convincing myself that I am good for nothing, I feel like my energy is returning back to me. The optimism that I had about life is returning back. I feel refreshed (especially after writing this post). It is nice when you take control of life rather than life taking control of you. And when you have things to look forward to life doesn’t seem bad at all.
This has been such a long post. I know I am just rambling things out but I had so much to share.
(I found that the title of the post is relevant only to the very first part but I am feeling too sleepy to think of another one.)