The Time I Failed Miserably.

On November 5th I took my SAT, and oh boy, what an epic fail it was. I prepared for it for three months, never in my life was I so devoted. I wanted to get into a nice uni in US to pursue my favourite subject, Astronomy that is. Here in my country we don’t get such diverse options for bachelors. So SAT was something I was counting on as a chance to venture out and pursue my dreams.

When the test day arrived I was confident that I will perform well. And the after the moment I was done with my reading section, I started feeling miserable, feeling hopeless but I didn’t give up. I went on trying to do my best. But as soon as I finished the whole test tears were brimming in my eyes. I knew that I completely effed up my test.

And now that I look back it was when I started losing all my confidence and from that point on it went down hill. I felt so miserable. I just thought that I was too stupid. I kept degrading myself that I was nothing and could never achieve anything I wanted.

But I never tried to understand why I failed. Was it because I was stupid? No it was because I was not able to manage my time.time

Why did I fail to manage my time in the reading section? I just can’t skim through paragraphs (no matter how much I try), it never gives me the satisfaction when I skim through paragraph and well SAT you have to skim effectively to complete the section on time. And in math you are supposed to just move on if you don’t get a sum but me being the idiot I am I failed to keep track of my time and just did not give up on the annoying math problem.

So that was the reason I failed to get my desired score on SAT and not because I was stupid.Also there are some positive aspects to my reasons that made me fail in my SAT. My inability to skim suggests that I am a thorough reader and hey thorough reading is never ever bad in science field, in fact a very through reading is much preferred than skimming. And my inability to give up in math suggests that I don’t give up easily when faced with a tough problem.

Finally I accepted my failure and understood why I failed.

And the most important thing to realize is life is a journey of ups and downs. When you accept your ups also accept your downs. Understand your reason for failures, learn from them and just move on.

I neither tried to understand the reason I failed nor did I move on and in the past 3 months I slipped into depression and self doubt.

And now it so hard to cope up.

-RAV

My Fav quotes from 13 Reasons Why

The previous post inspired me to so this post. I love collecting quotes and here are some of my favorite quotes from 13 Reasons Why.

In the end, everything matters.

You can’t rewrite the past.

I guess that’s the point. No one knows for certain how much impact they have on the lives of other people. Oftentimes, we have no clue. Yet we push it just the same.

It’s up to the reader to decipher the code, or the words, based on everything they know about life.

And honestly, there is no better way to explore your emotions than with poetry.

If I ever have to say something out loud, then I never have to think them all the way through.

You don’t know what goes on in anyone’s life but your own. And when you mess with one part of a person’s life, you’re not messing with just that part. Unfortunately, you can’t be that precise and selective. When you mess with one part of a person’s life, you’re messing with their entire life. Everything. . . affects everything.

Just two more to go. Don’t give up on me now.I’m sorry. I guess that’s an odd thing to say. Because isn’t that what I’m doing? Giving up?Yes. As a matter of fact, I am. And that, more than anything else, is what this all comes down to. Me……giving up…..on me.No matter what I’ve said so far, no matter who I’ve spoken of, it all comes back to-it all ends with- me.

I wish I would die.I’ve thought those words many times. But it’s a hard to say out loud. It’s even scarier to feel you might mean it.

Then, a click in the head phones. A slow breath of air.I open my eyes to the bright moonlight.And Hannah, with warmth.Thank you

A lot of you cared, just not enough.

You can’t go back to how things were. How you thought they were. All you really have is…now.

I wanted people to trust me, despite anything they’d heard. And more than that, I wanted them to know me. Not the stuff they thought they knew about me. No, the real me. I wanted them to get past the rumors. To see beyond the relationships I once had, or maybe still had but that they didn’t agree with.

You can hear rumors. But you can’t know them.

After all, how often do we get a second chance?

Because when you’re posed, you know someone’s watching. You put on your very best smile. You let your sweetest personality shine.

But sometimes there’s nothing left to do but move on.

I left. When I should have stayed.

Here’s a tip. If you touch a girl, even as joke, and she pushes you off, leave… her… alone. Don’t touch her. Anywhere! Just stop. Your touch does nothing but sicken her.

I needed a break… from myself.

And at some point, the struggle becomes too much-too tiring-and you consider letting go. Allowing tragedy… or whatever… to happen.

That’s what I love about poetry. The more abstract, the better. The stuff where you’re not sure what the poet’s talking about. You may have an idea, but you can’t be sure. Not a hundred percent. Each word, specifically chosen, could have a million different meanings.

-RAV

13 Reasons Why -The Old Ending Was Better.

13-reasons

13 Reasons Why, by Jay Asher, an exceptional book I have read last year. The synopsis goes this way-

“You can’t stop the future
You can’t rewind the past
The only way to learn the secret
…is to press play.”

Hannah Baker commits suicide but not before she records 13 reasons why she kills herself and sends the tapes to the people she considers as the reason for her death.

The title itself is very intriguing and once you get your hands on the book there is no stopping. The book just pulls you in its world amidst its characters. As Hannah’s reasons unfold you will find yourself learning the biggest lesson of your life- in the words of Hannah

“You don’t know what goes on in anyone’s life but your own. And when you mess with one part of a person’s life, you’re not messing with just that part. Unfortunately, you can’t be that precise and selective. When you mess with one part of a person’s life, you’re messing with their entire life. Everything. . . affects everything.”

*Spoiler Alert*

In the end of the book Hannah kills herself but the anniversary edition has a new ending where Hannah Baker Lives! That is great, I wanted Hannah to live because she deserved better. The new ending is how I wanted it to be but the old ending was better.

Why?

Here is my reason.

Simple, Hannah died. I know this sounds morbid but here is the thing- throughout the book Asher gives us a little hope that maybe Hannah lives. When the moment of truth discloses right before your eyes all your hopes are shattered and there is nothing like the lessons learnt from the pain of grief. Sure the book teaches you the lesson throughout but it was in that painful moment did it make an everlasting impact.

If you haven’t read the book yet you should definitely go and check out that book. According to me it is a must read.

-RAV

A Memorable First Day

Oh! I am so grateful how the blogosphere received my blog!

Officially it’s just been a day, just 24 hours since I created this blog (unofficially it has been 5 days. And the previous blog? Meh that was gibberish.) and these amazing people took time to go through my blog and followed me!! Can you believe it? They actually followed me! ME! (*going crazy with the euphoria.* Wait. I am already crazy but multiply that craziness to 10 to the power infinity (see that shows my craziness(brackets within brackets(you can see how crazy I am(wait this post isn’t about my craziness(god I am so crazy(I know I am irritating you- SORRY)))))))

Shivani.

thedifferentiatedeccentric

A Blissful Life

emily

thewondrouslifeofalliem

lifeaccordingtoawallflower

mysecretteenageblog

girllovelost

Regina5000

Misstery blog

My Life Online

Elm

piratepatty

Claire Cramphorn

And also I made a new blogger friend, thedifferentiatedeccentric such a sweet person you are!

Thank you so so much! I am honored indeed! You guys made my first day of blogging and first day of the year AMAZING!

-RAV

Overwhelmed…

A,

I am feeling too overwhelmed. I have many aspirations that I want to fulfill but I have a fear of not living up to my expectations. What if I fail? What if I lose? The reason for this fear is I have faced many failures and now I have come to a point where I have almost given up all my hopes and somewhere deep within I gave up.

It is just so confusing. I am in a fight with myself, torn apart between two choices. I don’t want to cave in but a very obnoxious voice inside my head says “just give up already”. I want to fight but then I don’t want to fight. It is like facing Janus.

The very optimistic side of me urges me to think positively but these days it’s mostly overshadowed by my pessimistic side. In this eclipsed phase of my life I often doubt myself, question whether I’ll be able to fulfill my dreams or not.

To put in a simple way- I am lost.

-RAV